okay, this is some cool shat. people, (as in far more than the number that i'm aware of) actually read my blog. so cool NE? and i guess many of them are starting to think that i'm an obsessive, permanently depressed person who's just fckdup on the inside. couldn't agree more with you (: no, actually it's only half right, because i do have my own gay, happy times. when MorningCoffee first started out, it served as a place for me to start afresh, write out happy thoughts, and filter off the rest. and it used to be updated everyday. hurray! cause now i think it doesn't apply anymore. I just write what i want wherever i like, and the bad things don't strictly belong to my other private space alone. well it depends, because everything i do just (unfortunately) depends on my mood. :D yayyay?

was particularly frustrated and pissed off the whole day, since morning. i was terribly upset that i have to attend this maths talk. then, my electives teacher pissed the shat out of me because he never seems to understand time, or take note of it. ALWAYS overruns by about a wtf-ing 45 mins? wheee. and not to mention he has an incredibly long presentation everytime and takes his own sweet time explaining it. i know he loves the media, but some things just don't apply to us and only deserves to be run through BRIEFLY. then, he ends it by adding another presentation to our list. oh well, couldn't help but feel frustrated over the fact that i wouldn't have enough time to complete the presentation with so many other things to do, like preparing for tomorrow's japanese test which i obviously haven't started on. (PLEASE i need good grades so damned badly give it to meee!) and just when i thought i was going mad,

i bought myself coffee to get a hold of myself. *beams* mm, COFFEE. addiction. makes you feel better YOH. (: but after about like one hour or so, everything came back. damn, need more coffee. >:[

meanwhile, get well JULEE, WEEZY, XINCHI, and the rest of the other girls in the class who has fallen sick. good news, your lao pa also tio sick already. yay me, and tomorrow still got jap test NE ><" i think i hate mondays and wednesdays. and thanks to KING who's covering for me and doing extra parts, i'm sorry i'm unable to do much for the presentation.

okay, WHO WANTS MORE COFFEE??? :D mwaha.

my JLPT results came in the mail today. i got like 347/400. FUCCCCCKKKKKKK. i am so damned disappointed. though it was a 86.75% pass, but a studied really hard for it and was aiming for at least a 360. dude, it's just a crap mark. if only their questions weren't like 4 marks for a question dammit _|_.

and i'm a really suppressed person. like i really wish i could say stuff that wasn't mean and sarcastic. so i present you with some entertainment, (cause i decided to go transparent on this) and the words in the brackets are just the suppressed shit that i decided not to say in order to save the friendship/relationship and stop it from worsening. yeah, i like to give people face and i'm really nice ya. at least i think about YOUR feelings before doing anything.

extracts;

A: bran is fat bitch
A: and kun is fat slut
A: everyone knows that LOL
B: at least they are good brothers who bother to keep in touch with me
A: oh ok i'm sorry.
[like, so where did our good-friends-let's-keep-in-touch thing go? asshole.]

B: dude, be a good sport and wish me happy birthday? (:
B: you do get a greeting from me every year right :D
A: OH SHIT I'M REALLY SORRY.
A: HAPPI BIRTHDAY
[thanks, for forgetting. and i really love you ya.]

B: @@;; you really forgot?
A: sry
B: nah >.>;;
A: heh ok
[WTF YOU.]
B: understandable, piorities shifted, natural to have slipped.
[cause maybe i'm not on top of your list anymore. maybe you don't even care, can't be bothered. thanks a lot, i waited a whole day just for this. the only date you remember now is anything connected to your darling bitch.]
A: hey dont put it like that
A: I'M SORRY (cries)
B: don't mind me, i'm really frank and cranky especially when im working on my maths at the moment.
[absolutely no, i'm darn clear about what i'm saying, and that was just a lie. faggot. do you want me to say ITS OKAY I UNDERSTAND THAT YOUR SOMEONE ELSE COMES FIRST LA OK. IT'S OKAY YOU FORGOT MY BIRTHDAY, DAMMIT IT'S JUST A DUMB BIRTHDAY! ^^ *smile*]
A: aw nono
A: i was just kidding
[fuck you.]
B: right, i was just kidding too? =[riiight. make my day shithead.]
A: oh.
[HEE. ^^]

right, now i sound like a real hypocrite. but no! i had the absolute fun in this convo! piss off.

random, because i really am supposed to be doing my bio lab report right now, just that i've been unfocussed and not on task. oh well, it happens like, everytime.

my parents, they kpkb me very often now. even on my birthday. just because they were fed up, for a totally unreasonable reason they just shot at me. and it stayed this way the whole day. my birthday yah. they ain't give no fuck about it. recently because we're moving house, they still come kp whenever they feel like it. just because they're frustrated doesn't mean they can vent it out on me. AND, i wonder if anyone has been through the feeling of your parents ignoring you. it's like you try to tell them something, and though you're like standing right in front of their faces, just a few words into the sentence, they look off to somewhere else and just shut their ears to you. they even turn to talk to someone else. i mean, where the fuck has the basic respect gone to? and it just rips me to know that even my own parents don't give a care about listening to me. my parents. the people who lies about 'oh we care and we're always here to listen how come you don't share with us your problems' shit. i was so hurt today that in the midst of my sentence, i just stopped abruptly and walked off and teared. and they didn't even fucking noticed that i've stopped talking and walked away. some shit. we should have all went our separate ways last year. _|_ you both assholes.

on a lighter note, next two weeks is electives week. although i can't garantee that there won't be homework or projects, i think it's gonna be pretty slack as we have only like one hour of school. but i plan to use the remaining free hours to really study hard for the upcoming japanese test, do my homework, and yeah the rest i'll think about it later =
&just now, aaron was telling me about how he taught these little children how to play hockey today. he went on and on about how they were so cute in their little gears and stuff. he said one of them told him, 'aaron kor kor don't let go off my hand ok?' and my heart practically melted. i taught the whole thing was really sweet (: he's like really happy whenever he's close to kids which gives me the O___o;; feeling cause i was expecting it to be just the opposite. but somehow, although i really like watching people play with kids, i just cannot approach them myself and play with them. i don't like them cause i don't think they're particularly cute or anything, just no feelings at all. but good for him, i can imagine him being a really good father in the future. now i'm starting to think that i'm pretty cold-blooded. but they can get on my nerves pretty often so yah. then he says to me, 'i really can't understand how come someone, a girl like you can not like children.' well, it beats me too, and when i find out why, i'll be sure to tell you.

great, for now i think i was born a really angsty person. so peace out.

i swear, though this may sound totally random, i know that i do have a valid reason for feeling this way. i just don't know what it is. (no it's not pms.)

recently i just have the urge to stick the finger at people, at everything. ALLLLLLLL. _|_ dammit.

but it scares me when my light breakdowns have been really random and often, and i don't even know it. like on monday while i was waiting for the mrt, i stoned and didn't even have any care for the world, oblivious to everything around me, then suddenly i looked away and realised that my vision was all watery. it's freaky because people are around looking, and i STRONGLY HATE people to see me cry. i guess i've been pretty preoccupied.

i received my peaks personality profile. and i don't think it's accurate. i got pretty negative results =\ my anger management is low i admit, but wtf my energy level is low? i thought i was okay. i AM in a sports cca for a few years and i daresay i can take harsh trainings and i don't die easily ya. then again my energy level may seem low is because i prefer to lay back and relax. and i'm thrill seeking, but it just depends what kind of thrills it is. oh, and though i admit that i don't like stress and i can break under pressure, i'm sure that i can handle my stress better than other people because i've been through a far lot more than others do. i guess some parts are inaccurate, and it's just my opinion. so screw this. i do have very high negative emotions it seems. OOH YAY.

and i haven't realised how tired i was, until i allow myself to close my eyes for more than five seconds. damn, i'd better stock up on caffeine sweets to keep me going. then again i have this wierd addiction to coffee =/

eran tells me to be more cheerful? and jimmy tells me to cut down on the cussing recently? HAH. it's not like i can control it, awww.




i wonder to myself, are you missing those times? do you still remember? because if they don't mean a shit to you, then FUCK YOU too. kthxbye.
(istillloveyouthough,fuck.)

just when i thought he had totally forgotten about it, he did. but he still talked to me.

the most freaky thing was, when he suddenly talked to me, my body started to act up again. my whole body started to shiver so badly that i couldn't do anything. i couldn't type, and i couldn't think straight, and everything was just a blur, i put in all that i have to focus on getting a grip on myself. and yet i was trying to keep my composure while talking to him. my hands were shaking, my legs were trembling, my stomach hurt a hell lot and it got so bad to a point where i'd curl myself up into a ball and try to get a control over myself. i don't know why this always happens, and it's just scaring me, this uncontrollable shivering.

but anyhow, i still kept cool and talked to him like everything's fine. he doesn't have to know anyway. somehow online we started on a really bad note and i got really pissed halfway. i seriously thought that i was going to lose it and break down or just blow my top at him and start to be damn emo. but hell, why should i?

then we started sms-ing for a while. i read his sms-es one last time, cried, and went to sleep.

yet everytime i talk to him i still think he's just perfect, everything that i want. yet it's hard to believe that i had him one moment, and the next minute he walks out on me. but i still think he's just right for me, the best i could ever have, even after all that he's put me through.

i think i've let myself fall too deep, and now i'm unable to get out of it.

talk about pathetic birthdays in my life. and last year's was the worst. i had spent my birthday in the hospital down with a high fever and only until 10pm i realised that it was my birthday. this year i think it was by far the best? cause i feel loved x) mwahaha. okay but i hate it my birthdays to fall on weekends lol.

yesterday first! had roadrun in tjc! i didn't run the mozafacking 3.6 km, but i was one of the helpers, being the human chain on the track to direct people where to go, and it was hella fun! they were playing this loud techno music, and being a music sensitive person, i couldn't help but start to move my body! hahaha i bet i was dancing like an ass right on the track where everyone could see me lol. but the beat was hard to resist, and i was getting really high XD

after that JULEE, KING, MING AND WEEZY bought me a birthday cake! one day earlier but still, yay (: gawd i was so touched they bought me this chocolate birthday cake haha, but i had to act surprised though it was pretty obvious from the start LOL. julee called me asking 'hey do you like chocolate, fruits or blueberry? it's a joke i'll tell you later.' HOHO WOW. but anyhow, the class kinda joined in to sing me a birthday song and it's the first time i spent it with so many people! haha thanks guys (:

and then at 12:12am today! brandon and kunyi conferenced me and played me a birthday song! seriously i thought that it was the best, funniest and most meaningful birthday present lol. even though it was spastic, cause bran's amp and distorter no more batt, and the song sounded really cute with plucking lol. and i could have sworn that brandon played wrong notes! hahaha and kunyi was supposed to sing along LOL. i thought if bran was supposed to play on his electric guitar it was gonna sound like whooaaaaa and rockish and all but it turned out just the opposite. nvm, bran's always having this cheesy crap LMAO. but yeah, i thought it was soooo nice of them to remember my birthday and even ask me out haha. another time maybe lol. love! <3

went out with qian and kelly today, talking and spazzing ourselves lol. i got myself shoes and a jacket wheeee! and i miss qian so much <3 nyaha, too bad yt couldn't make it in time. hurhur but it's okay, we can all meet up again during the hols. but thanks for spending time with me today, made it much better (: plus, i've got pretty spazzed out and retarded neoprints to show off, lelly&clene trademarks HOHO :D kelly and i also walked into quiksilver shops, and we laughed out heads off at checkered and polka dotted guy's board shorts LOL. and the day went off so fast just like that and now i'm home doing homework and i don't know when i can step into orchard again T-T

and thanks to everyone else who wished me a happy birthday, whether you're from rss, dhs or ta, i greatly appreciate your wishes and thanks for remembering. much love! <3

however, it's a pity that Someone forgot. like totally. and when i always remembered his, every single DAMNED MOZAFUCKING year. and when you could be my best present, it isn't a happy birthday until you say so.=

tomorrow is brudder kunyi's birthday. and it's also the day where we're getting the key to the new house, and i can't wait (: and there's also the roadrun, but hah, i'll be serving drinks to those tired little things mwehehe.

however, i think i'll be spending the weekend completing fugging homework and maths, especially when like my birthday is on sunday =\ WHATTHABLEAH! well, at least it isn't as horrible as last year's, when i spent my birthday in the hospital having a high fever. @@;;

and talking about maths, you know the funny thing is that it's like mathematicians seems to have not enough problems in their lives. they spend their lives creating all these maths problems sums and wreck their brain cells and fret over it just to get the solution. i think it's pretty pointless yah.

plus, my maths teacher doesn't seem to speak english. because allmy slow brain could process and my ears could hear were something like:

and then my mind takes like 293579376823 years to absorb all that and after that my first reaction would be @@;; and if you'd take a look in my brain, it'll be thinking: '... ... ... ??' i seriously don't see the connection between numbers and how they link into all these wierd symbols. it's just useless. i think i'd stick to my alphabets and words thankyou.

and when it comes to friday i think i'm like all worn out already. no sweat, ima go for some retail therapy on sunday :D

i shall try to distract myself, that i am a happy girl who scored somewhere along my expectations for japanese test, considering the fact that i actually missed four lessons before.

you know that's not the real case.

today my friend who sat beside me was on top of the world, for he got a little something from his beloved. and i watched him with envy. sure, and he claims that he has already broken up with her. HMM. then before that my friend asked me if i liked white, milk or dark chocolate. and i told him milk, and that's the fact. but in fact i felt like dark chocolate. the darker, the better, the more bitter. i couldn't help being sour the whole day. yet i acted all fine, laughing stupidly at myself for no reason, and only i know why.

the school was having music dedications during lunch time, and the music was great. i thought of it as some form of entertainment just to bring my mood until,

wherever you go, whatever you do, i will be right here waiting for you
whatever you take, or how my heart breaks, i will be right here waiting for you.

the lovely lyrics of one of my favourite love songs of all time slowly found its way and crept into my class on the fifth floor during geog lesson. when the music was playing all the way on the ground floor in another block. as expected, i almost crushed my geog handout.

my initial plan was to run home and sleep tomorrow if i didn't have any plans on, so that i dont have to FEEL the love in the air all around me that it gives me goosebumps. spending time alone by myself would be best. then kelly and i arranged a 'date' tomorrow, so looks like tomorrow i'll see whether some spasms would make be feel better. but even if it does, i'm just psycho-ing myself.

i wish that i could go to sleep tonight, and wake up on wednesday morning and realise, 'oh wow! yesterday was vday! and i missed it, man i totally forgotten about it!' would be the best way i think vday should go but you and i know that it's not possible so, *shrug*.

until then, ima tell myself for now that:

and when i have these four adorable guys in my own world, who really gives a damn about a stupid valentines and darlings and flowers and boxes of chocolates, right?

well i do.

cause the last thing i wanna watch is Him and the other bitch spend a sugar coated valentines together. so fuck this.

wasn't much to look forward to today, maybe P.E and the 2.8km run. HAH HAH.

recently i've been a maths freak. since when was i enthusiastic about finishing up maths homework and figuring out algebra? there must be something wrong with me. i've lost that wishy washy attitude. and i think it's a bad thing :D

kelly and i had dinner outside at parkway. along the way i met a lot of my friends, ex-schoolmates and even my BRUDDERS! (: nyaha it makes me happy, even if it's just for the moment. i saw cynthia and zhai juan, and it turns out to be that they have a niece/uncle relationship! gawd it was sure surprising lol. then i also saw denise, brandon, kunyi, deejee, xiaoming and yeah, hell loads of people today mwahaha.

it feels good to see them and know that they're doing fine. i miss them bijillions!

and for now, i shall play icy tower and crazy taxi till my tablet's battery runs flat, because yeah, i'm still not feeling well emotionally.

oh and just for rants: ADRIANO! <3 heh.

i always feel myself when i talk to my fellow piscean and tiffy-love. my usual contradicting self, where they won't judge me for all the selfish things i say. then again they are both two very different people and i talk to them differently, so there i go contradicting myself again about being myself.

and every year my new year resolution would always have ' to find myself '. hemph. i can't really decide and understand myself either. looks like humans are indeed the most complex things in this world.

then there's all this talk about self and identity, being two very different things.

i'm screwing my venting area.

i'm supposed to be doing project with my siew mais now, but apparently, i feel asleep for a good half and hour and woke up with a strained neck. hah, kelly is sleeping now too. both slacking. but er, i woke up cause i realised that i was drooling LMAO. you see, i'm just so tired you can't blame me. oh well, got a tissue from michelle. XD

bleah, ran like 2.8km for p.e with a timing of 13mins plus. not bad eh. but tuesdays are just so damn tiring. and hungry. bah, i wanna go home! here comes kelly. and yes, i made her minus away the c from our candy (: dont think it makes sense to anyone though.

and and! oh wow. kelly just told me that she was drooling in her sleep too! how amazing two gay bio partners can be lol. i vow that i shall never let anyone catch me drooling again. and no, NEVER in school too lmao. i shall head for the toilet now, then go home to sleep. project's not getting anywhere kthxbye.

woke up this morning, on the wrong side of the bed. motivation level was almost zero. kept my fucking mouth shut throughout the day cause i got moody. thought about more upsetting stuffs on my own accord. and honestly i didn't feel like talking to anyone or want anyone to talk to me. got really really low to the point that my mind just shut off throughout the day during the lessons especially. felt like a drunkard trying to hide my sleepy face from the teacher. but i was looking forward to vball training which turned out pretty good. i had fun and it brought up my spirits by a little bit. but on the whole, i didn't like the whole damned day. on the fucking 14th, ima lock myself up in my room and sleep, than think about the bloody honey things.

somehow when i'm really on the low, i'd rather be alone and spend time with myself. ironically, i laugh the hardest when i'm at my lowest.

{ C }
the kind of girl who mopes around about stuff ALOT
& somedays on mute mode

A LEFT-HANDER WHO FEEDS ON JROCK :D

Is a caffeine addict, & doesn't mind giving up talking for good. With not much self-confidence to start with, her ugly teeth upset her a lot but she plans to do nothing about it. Cheap thrills include rainy days, graphic designing, writing & a little dosage of her jrock darlings. Can conjure up some really good shit in her mind sometimes, but has problems putting them onto paper and into reality. Overall an average kid who's neither here nor there in everything she does, & gets bothered by it sometimes. Has trouble finding her direction in life. Mostly negative and wishes to be more apathetic. Currently finding a way to start a new life in Japan, with a different name.

Still likes to talk to inanimate things like her stuffed penguin.

♥REITA,
just because.

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